Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I have a confession to make....

but this is not related to my love life...^.^...


I know you guys think i am normal...but actually,i'm different....though i dont show you guys....everyday i come to school...i pretend to be someone else...someone who i am not...someone i do not like to be...i pretend to like something that i do not like...lolz...i wish that i could let out the anger in me...the sadness...everyday...i pretend to look lively...but deep down inside of me...i feel heavy....well...i just cant let it out...the onlly thing i can do now is to keep and store all of it in me...and finally...when i know its right...i want to release it...but in the process...i will lose something i once had....its hard to tell a friend all of the struggles...but it will engulf me....because i have already feel the burdened right now....thats why...i prefer to be alone....so that i dont have to pretend to be wad i am not....thats why most of the time...i listen to musics...i makes me feel lighter...makes me feel like who i am before....this thing thats inside of me...makes me feel guilty....i just want to be alone...i just want to be myself....cause i dont want to lose it in the future....i used to be quiet,happy and cheerful...but now...i'm noisy,rude,hot-tempered...i just hate it....i just dont want to hurt anyone else but only me....i'm sorry old friends and best friends....i'm not the same anymore.....

everyday i think....why has god make my family different from before....my parents always had a fight which each other....everyday...my mom has to suffer...my dad always call her names...and tell me...trying to make me laugh...my father is a person who cannot admit defeat...most of the time...i'm alone...i feel that they are just like guardians that are taking care of me....everything must go his way...my mum's mum...well...she is all that i treasure the most....without her...i'll be nothing...i dont want to lose her yet...i've already lost my grandpa...he died before i was born...he died before seeing me...he died before even holding me baby hand and carry me...he died before i even see his real face....its sad.....my grandma always talked about him....she cried sometimes...its sad...i feel like crying now...but i cant...thats why i keep it inside of me...waiting for it to burst out....my dad plan to go overseas from 3 years to new zealand and work there...so does my mum...i'l be alone with my grandma...my brother is finishing his national service...he is going poly...my dad's mum...she live in malaysia...but i still love her....and grandpa...well...i also lost him when i was 10 years old...losing so many love ones is already a burden...i even dreamt of losing my mum's mother...i cried...i told her these exact words..."grandma,dont go...plz dont go...plz"...several times...she cried...i cried...and she gave we a big hugged...she was so warm....its sad.....its sad to say all this things...which i cannot bear it anymore.....









I'm weak